Hanging out in my Feelings...
Feeling are complicated. Even in the best of situations they can be pretty messy.
I've always loved my birthday. A day to celebrate me? Sign me up! But ever since I joined the dead parents club I find my birthday to be a bit depressing. Honestly it's just plain weird to celebrate without them.
And let's make it weirder by sharing the day with my spouse. Yep. Since 2003 I've shared every birthday with my hubs. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. Well most of the time. LOL We don't do big gifts anymore, we travel, and I truly love that. But I noticed last year that my usual enthusiasm for the day just wasn't there.
No one says Happy Birthday quite like a parent. I know that, because I have kids of my own. My Mom always called at my birth time, which drove me crazy because 4pm is a weird time to call, and she sang "Happy Birthday" which was also annoying because it's a long song to sing someone over the phone, and she sent those awful cards that play music. I miss all of that.
While my Dad wasn't quite as celebratory, he still called after she passed. And I never miss the sound of his voice more than on my birthday.
Part of it all is knowing that (God willing) I have so many years ahead of me, missing them, and wishing they were still here. I'm turning 39 this year and I can't help but feel robbed of so many years with them. Every time I think I'm doing okay, the grief just slams right into me again.
This year my husband is turning 40 and I'm focusing on him. Because he deserves it. Truly. The way he has held me up over the last few years, well that, that is a thing that should be celebrated. I will throw him the best 40th birthday I can and we'll head to Louisville, Kentucky to explore the bourbon trail.
The grief won't go away, because it doesn't.
I don't have any answers. Just needed to ramble about my feelings.