Questions

I'm living in a season of questions. Who am I now? Who do I want to be? What are my dreams? Do I want a different career? Do I want a career at all? Where do I see myself in 5 years? Am I enough?

I don't think I'm any different than any of you mama warriors out there. Raising little humans is hard. And one of my little human is moving toward adulthood. And that's even harder than I'd imagined. And I'm in a constant state of anxiety. Am I doing any of it right? I've not been a good mom lately. I'm not present in their lives. God, that is so damn hard to admit. The grief I'm slogging through right now is all consuming and feels so large some days I feel like I'm drowning in it. Parenting and grieving are quite possibly the worst combination life has ever thrown at me.

I had a friend recently tell me I need to focus on self care. That life continues and I have to take care of myself. I've always thought I was great at this: face masks, alone time, massages, binging some TV, treating myself... I thrive in these areas. But that is SOFT Self Care. It's indulgent and ultimately superficial. I slow down, I breathe, it makes me feel better in the moment but it's not enduring.

What I really need is HARD Self Care. Therapy, journaling, devotional time, meditation, reflection, <deep breath> tears. I have to cry all the damn tears. Because holding them in is killing me. I need to set some goals... and stick to them.

Confessional: I'm the worst self-disciplined person you'll ever meet. I create plans, I set goals, I have hopes and dreams, I love good a day planner! But the moment something gets hard or isn't fun anymore? I'm out. I give up. And I've stupidly told myself for years that THAT is okay. People change their mind, you're allowed to alter your plans. But really what I've allowed myself to do, is quit. To never follow through on anything. I'd never let my kids do this!

I love to stand in my own way. I create all the obstacles for myself, I don't need help from anyone. I've become a bystander in my own life.

Lose weight? Well I get close. I start. But it's hard. So I stop.

Write a blog? I create content, I make plans, I develop strategies, I attend conferences and talk backs, I ask questions. But I never follow through because I'm so scared no one will care.

Personal change? I buy the books, I start reading them. I start the journals, I start the personal conversations, I start the necessary steps... BUT I never finish or follow through or just keep going. It's hard.

And I like to stand in my own way. On the sidelines. Watching life happen to me. How many of us are living our lives this way?

So here I sit. Firmly planted, blocking my own path. Asking thousands upon thousands of questions. Knowing it's time for some changes. Knowing I've failed myself (and hoping that admitting that doesn't make me a failure), knowing I'm human, knowing I'm normal. But also knowing that it's time to step on the field and start participating.

I have to start somewhere, right? Plan. I need a plan! Set some goals and follow through. <STOP> What I need, is to create a mindset of success. And figure out how to return to that mindset when I go off track, because I will. I'll be ready to quit. But I can't. I deserve more. I have to learn how to lean into those shitty moments but not unpack and live there.

Purposeful self reflection and personal growth are new frontiers for me. And I don't have all the answers today. I just knew I couldn't be alone in my mid-30's life crisis. And if we're in this together - this life, growth, all the scary, real shit - then it has to be shared. We have to share it.

Because we are not alone, we can't let our minds tell us we're alone, it'll suffocate all of our power and our creativity and our lives. So I'll ask the questions, I'll share, someday the answers will come.